EMMA Winter edition. The dream of being a porn star – Part II: The reality of the porn industry

Warning: this article contains descriptions and/or references to violence and/or sexual assault

In the 2011 Winter edition of EMMA (Germany’s leading feminist magazine in Germany, and the only political magazine in Europe entirely run by women) a large part of the magazine was dedicated to pornography. We’ve translated them into English. Below is the second of three parts we will be publishing of The dream of being a porn star, a detailed account from a survivor of the pornography industry.

My first shoot was in Berlin, in a garage. It was a film that wasn’t shot for the German market as it was too extreme. The film was for the Dutch and Belgian market, where those things were allowed. But I was told everything would be cool and easy and that everyone was really nice. When I was in make-up I was shaking and a woman, who looked completely wrecked asked me “And, is this your first time?”

Then it started. It was an S&M film and I was the dominatrix. Alongside other things I had to pretend to cut a man’s cock off with a knife. I was meant to verbally abuse the man as a dirty dog, lash him with a whip and then trample on his balls with my high heels. The men put up with it because in the back of their minds they think: now this woman is hard, but I will fuck her soon! Sometimes they do it with such brute violence that the walls of my vagina kept tearing. I have lots of scars in my vagina.

In the past people used oil during shoots. It was really slippery and looked like the woman was very wet. We weren’t allowed to use oil anymore. We could only use a small drop; apart from that it was only spit. When you winced during a shoot they said: “Don’t complain, you want it!” If you said “I’m spent” the producer said “You signed that you will perform and only then will you get paid”. People have to pay their travel expenses in advance and often you buy the ticket using up the last bit of money you have. You have to get back home too and most women don’t have any credit on their mobile phones. Family and friends don’t know where you are most of the time either, so you are trapped.

The male performers could do what they want with the women and the producers did the same. You discuss what will happen beforehand, but the contract says you will do anything the producer demands. That is what the contracts are like; the moment you sign them you stop being a human being. You are reduced to an object -a hole.

The male performers are really physically aroused. They put the images into their minds and block out the rest. Or they put their favourite perfume under their nose. That way they can also work through an 80 year-old woman for instance. Others inject drugs into their cocks so he blood will go into it. One of them injected too much one time and had to go to hospital to be bled so to speak.

My first shoot was over after about six hours. It was a relatively quick shoot. I got €200 for it and a lot of praise. I felt miserable but I got so many acknowledgements from complete strangers. I had never experienced that in my own family. On the train home I went to the loo every couple of minutes and I thought I have to wash myself. I felt unclean and had the smell of sperm in my nose. I was pumped full after all. I washed my face and my hands. I washed till kingdom come, but I could not get rid of the smell. It followed me around.

At some point I started grinning at colleagues who wouldn’t do anal myself, as it was so normal. Young girls who couldn’t do it and were scared like I was I…I don’t want to say I made them willing, but I told them how to do it. Somehow they trusted me even though I was a real cow. I became really cold and was unable to show any feelings. But the girls always told me their stories.

All the girls – whether they were from Germany, Spain, the Czech Republic, Russia or the USA – all, all, all of them had had a bad experience or multiple ones. Whether it was sexual abuse by the father, a drug-addicted mother or whether they had been in a refuge. They all had stories. Some of them were already completely destroyed when they arrived. A lot came looking for recognition and affirmation and with the illusion of lots of easy money. A lot of them said “I’ll do this one, maybe two times because I’m in debt”. Young girls who had a high mobile phone bill for instance. A year later you see them at the expo with blown-up tits and high heels.

With time, agents entered the porn industry. They drove around eastern Germany and picked up girls in the village discos. They told them: “Big money awaits you, because I see a star in you!” The girls were young and didn’t know anything about the world and followed the agents to Berlin. And there they were burnt up. The agents always referred to them as “my girlfriend”. They always had lots of girlfriends, like pimps.  A lot of the girls were just 18 years old. One of them was 16 and was still wearing braces. She was then adorned with pigtails for the child abusers.

Apart from exclusive stars none of the women have a contract. They have a contractual agreement with the company that she has to do a certain number of films per month or year and that she has to be available for every event for her company. They are not allowed to enter into any other commitments. They receive between €1800 and €3000 so that they are available at any time.

I never had this status because I was burnt up pretty quickly. That’s what they call it in the industry when the fresh girls are passed from company to company in a short time. I worked in the industry for three years and had between 2 and 4 shoots a week. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I started playing the role of being always cold and always horny outside of the shoots as well. I always wore skin-tight trousers and high heels and started manipulating men. There was simply no way out. If I’d been myself at any point, I would have collapsed. Only when my daughter was nearby could I be myself a little. That was the only thing I was able to do on the side: to be a mother. But I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore, because I did not recognize that woman anymore. I was disgusted by myself.

The smell of spunk always came to me and of diseases. A lot of women had fungal infections, chlamydia and the clap. When you have your period you have to shoot anyway and are given a little sponge. These are inserted in front of the uterus. If the bleeding is strong you need two or three and then the man comes as well. You’re in even more pain then and you leave your body. You think about what you’ll do with the money. You are somewhere else. A year after I entered the business I started smoking weed again. I also used speed and sniffed coke. Most women in the business do weed, coke of ephedrine. Drugs are completely normal in this industry.

Then there are the gang-bangs, where you’re lying on the floor with a load of men standing around you and looking at you. You’re naked and have to masturbate. There are cameras everywhere and the men play with themselves whilst looking at you. You see this greed. I can’t find the words for what you are. “An animal” would be a good word. You are simply an object, which is lying on the floor which they can work on soon. There is no kind of defence and it turns them on. They see you on the floor and are able to get it up quite quickly. Then you see this expression in their eyes: “You are mine and soon I’ll do with you what I want” and they treat you accordingly.

After a while you are surrounded by cocks. There is a starting shot like in a marathon: all cocks are hard and then it starts. They can turn you over and around any way they want to. You’ve signed a contract saying that you’ll do anything they ask after all. Then there are just cocks and balls and those glistening glazed eyes of the excited men. You can smell the sweat and the different colognes and you can hear them inciting each other: “Go on, fuck her in the ass!” – “Is there room enough for mine?” – “Yeah – a hot cunt!” – “Put it in her gob! Do a face-fuck!”

The producers burrow through the cocks – camera in hand – and shout: “Turn your ass into the light!” and someone else shouts “Tear her ass apart! Fuck her hard!” You have to operate in aid of the camera. You can’t say: “No, stop it!” so you say “Go on and keep fucking me. It turns me on!” You also do it to turn on the men so that it is over soon. You talk like you are supposed to talk. Your facial expressions are the ones that you’ve been taught.

They like saying “Look as if you’re in a little bit of pain, but leave a bit of a horny look in your eyes”. You learn to groan in a particular way as well. It goes on for hours and then someone calls “Yes, I’ll come”. Everyone who doesn’t like another man’s spunk on them get out at that point and then they come on the women. They all come on our bodies. They came on our faces and our hair and you had to play with their spunk for the camera. Shit is treated better. It is flushed down the loo and is gone. You however are still lying there.

There is a particular gang-bang producer in south Germany where the women are not only raped but also used as toilets. They are covered in shit and are then showered down with piss. The girls who were there always came back damaged… they were completely switched off.

There is also the trend towards amateur porn. The events are called “Fuck a Pornstar”. I did that as well. You turn so deadened. We and I mean all female performers only functioned, most of us on drugs. The problem is that you know; so many things were done to me and people have seen it. It means that if you want some kind of human contact you can only have it in the porn industry. Then you have to stay in those surroundings. It is hard to get out of it and not everyone has the strength to do it.

(freely translated from Der Traum vom Porno-Star, EMMA magazine; Winter 2011 edition, pages 76-81)

Related posts:

1. EMMA Winter edition. The dream of being a porn star – Part I: The road to porn
2. EMMA Winter edition. A large-scale human experiment
3. When life turns into reality porn