One of the hardest things about writing about my personal experiences with and around pornography is that it is all compartmentalized. My use of pornography was never out in the open – it only existed in myself, in my own personal bubble. Only since I have stopped watching pornography has this bubble began to crack and slowly but surely things have started back into my memory that I had long since forgotten and supressed.
One of the memories that recently floated back into my memory was of the loft where we hung up our washing when I was between 9 and 12. The walls of this space were adorned with pictures of heavy metal bands like Iron Maiden and with pictures of naked women from magazines like Penthouse or Playboy. I remember spending time in this loft, mainly with my mother who hung up most of the washing in my family, but also my brother. What I also remember is the clear absence of any conversations or explanations about the pictures on the wall - their presence was normal.
As my brother, who is 4 years older progressed into adolescence he developed an interest in films and subscribed to a movie magazine. At times the magazine provided their subscribers with a free video tape. These were either cheaply made action films or soft-core pornographic films made by the Playboy channel or a similar production company - I was probably around 10 or 11 at the time. Even though I cannot clearly remember my mum’s reaction to the inclusion of these films I have a feeling it was a quiet, but nonetheless unfavourable response. Whatever my partents’ feelings towards the presence of these tapes in our household, neither my brother nor I were ever sat down with our parents to have a chat about what they thought of these pornographic films or for them to ask us questions about how they made us feel. The films remained in our house and though not openly displayed I always knew their whereabouts and when I was alone in the house with both my parents working and my brother out of the house, I would dig the films out and watch them.
This continued for a few years and besides watching these films I also found release by masturbating to lingerie catalogues or watching sex scenes from mainstream Hollywood movies. I particularly remember watching the sex in Basic Instinct over and over again. Before long, we had the internet in the house and with it a whole new world of pornographic imagery. By the time we got the internet, I was probably 14 or 15, I was already hooked on seeing sexualized pornographic images of women and I soon got lost in the intricate world of internet pornography. I continued my consumption of now ever more hard-core growing pornography in secret. I knew my brother was watching pornography online as well – I actually reached a lot of sites through a log of porn-sites he kept hidden somewhere on our family computer.
Thus the family computer room became a porno-hub for me and my brother. I, and I suppose my brother, keeping an eye and an ear out for people coming up to the room and towards our private porn empires. I remember members of my family coming in at times without me hearing them approach and me quickly closing the pages I was on. I must have looked red headed and flustered. I also remember my brother’s and my late night sessions on the family computer. I think pretty much everyone, except maybe with the exception of my dad, knew what was going on in the house. But nobody ever mentioned it or talked directly about it to each other.
I experienced a similar lack of any in depth conversations or questions about pornography in my group of friends throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, all of whom with the exception of one said they did not look at pornography. This was a stance I also assumed, even with my best of friends. Yet or maybe because of this, I did not find it strange that some of my closest friends were knowledgeable about hard-core pornographic releases such as the “Houston 500″ (a film in which pornographic performer Houston reportedly was penetrated and ejaculated on by 620 men without interruption). From these and other experiences it is clear to me that pornography is a theme for many boys, adolescent males and young men. One of the biggest problems however is that it rarely the subject of serious and open intimate conversation between boys or young men. Boys and young men watch pornography together “as a laugh”, they will share stories about the acts of degradation and abuse they have seen and they will laugh about it. Few of them will actually stop and ask themselves or each other, how they feel when they see these images. What they think it is like for the people involved. What influence viewing pornography will have on their future relationships. One of the reasons surely is that most pornography viewers are still underage or have started watching it when they were underage. Other obvious reasons are the fact that pornography has never been a topic of conversation in school and I would assume is rarely a topic of conversation between carers and their children. Besides these factors, pornography has now become mainstream popular culture and our culture is saturated with it – thus we have all become used to it, including us adults.
Nearing age 30, more than 20 years after my first exposure to soft-core pornographic images I have finally started asking myself and others questions about pornographic images. Questions I wish parents, adults, teachers, mates, friends and myself had asked sooner. I just hope for future generations, that more people will start openly sharing the impact pornography has had on their lives. An impact that goes much further than the realm of fantasy and intrudes into our personal lives and relationships.
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Very nice essay. My father used to work as a projectionist in a NYC porn theater and both print and video porn were easily available around our house, but we never once actually talked about any of it.
More of this kind of open communication is the right way to go. Thanks to the author for his candor.
Thank you for sharing. It’s a sad fact that now the average age of hardcore exposure is 11 years old, the forth most common search on google by seven year olds is Porn. What are we doing? We’re brainwashing a whole generation. I fear that porn is generally readily discussed and encouraged amongst boys now. As a teacher I know it’s not being adressed by teachers or many parents though. People still want to live in denial, this is the most harmful thing and still a majority of people see porn as a right of passage, totally unharmful and in fact something to be seen as healthy. We need more liberal minded, honest people to come forward and tell their stories, men and women, boys and girls; to break the stigmas, lies and propoganda surrounding this subject.
What a sad thing it is that our children are being given a warped view of sexual relationships.
Is it any wonder that later in life they treat their wives / partners poorly?
It would be possible for the service providers to block these pornographic websites if the chose…but of course they choose not to.
In addition to an open discussion of the dangers of porn…We also need to take active steps to have these sites removed or at least better controlled
Teenage boys will masturbate, I don’t see anything harmful in them doing it to two people having sex with each other. Would agree that if they are exposed to more exotic images at too young an age that is possibly not healthy.
But porn is not just people having sex with each other. The lack of emotion and empathy, the (verbal) aggression towads the women and he playing out of the power-submissiveness in completely gendered way. Sexist and racist stereotypes, degradation. I mean we are talking porn here not fluffy pre-watershed petting in a mainstream Hollywood film.
Thank you for taking the time to write this, and for being so open about your experiences. As I was reading, there were many “I went through the same thing” moments, especially as far as how much pornography is hidden in plain sight. I was either 6 or 7 years old the first time I saw a Playboy, and 10 or 11 when I watched my first hardcore “film”. I have no doubt that being exposed to that type of material at such a young age affected me terribly, skewing my views on women and healthy relationships for many years afterward. Even now, at 37 years old, I’m still struggling with the negative effects, so much so that it’s one of the issues I discuss regularly with my therapist.
Thank you for sharing!
I started watching porn at 10, when a girl at school “broke-up” with me. I remember I searched the word “love” in Google, and found images of Kama-Sutra positions. My parents never talked to me about sex, so I was shocked by the images. The day after, I told them I was feeling very bad but they couldn’t understand my feeling, they just claimed I should stop watching these pictures.
Two days after I searched other words such as “porn”, “sex”, and so on… I first saw porn pictures.
Since then I watched even more explicit content : pictures, amateur stories, webcam (when I was 13 I spent time in sex forums and once I watched a man masturbating, pretending to be a woman), then short clips, and now I watch porn videos every day… and I am 22.
Last year I tried to speak to my parents about my porn addiction for the first time. It was Eve Day. I was very depressed. I told them I felt very lonely (I only had one girlfriend two years ago, and she left because I was too “shy”). My parents told me porn consumption was normal and not connected to my feeling of loneliness.
Since then, I never dared to speak about that again… I must point out that I still live in my parents’ home. I’m planning to find a job and share a flat to share with my best female friend and I’m wondering whether this new way of life will help me to overcome my addiction.
Now I’m struggling with my porn addiction and my shyness. I am happy to read such essays as yours, because I feel I am not alone. Thank you and congrats!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings surrounding your porn use with us. I think there are probably quite a lot of men who share these and I really apprciate your sharing!
I completely agree with Bjorn. Thanks Antoine for sharing your story and situation, and good luck.
I myself compartmentalize by viewing straight porn as a feminist, even though I am a bisexual man. I ask myself: who are those people who are content with this? I sit there, desperately wanting there to be some chemistry between the man and woman, some erotic play in which the woman takes the lead, some sheepish looks and male vulnerability, but all I get is boring, industrial sex which yes, often is so degrading and objectifying to the woman that it’s a real turn-off.
The rape scenes in porn are really ridiculous. If raping a cold lifeless fish who ends up loving it is what they call rape, yes then it is, but that’s not rape to me. As a man I don’t feel bad for indulging in the odd rape scene, women’s romantic fiction are full of them. (Yes, compartmentalizing again.) Literary rape scenes from women’s fiction turn me on way more than any online rape videos I’ve ever seen. The rape scenes in Ken Follett’s “The Pillars of the Earth” were among my favourite masturbation fantasies in my teens, but so were also the consensual sex scenes in it.
I wonder why you invest in watching porn if you know that the content does not satisfy you.
On the rape scenes you mention, I think it is important to think about the message these send out to people. The message convyed here is that women like to be raped, but aren’t aware of it. If as a man you start violating and sexually abusing women they will eventually realize they like it. In that way porn promotes sexual abuse of women and rids the perpetrators of any feelings of guilt.
Good question. I guess it stills the hunger the way junk food does compared to haute cuisine. But being bisexual, I mostly watch gay porn, just rather occassionally straight porn. I find gay porn to be more average, neither very degrading nor very passionate, while straight porn seems to contain more of both extremes.
I agree it’s very dangerous when the first porn young teenagers are exposed to is rapist. Having my first exposure through literature helped me digest it much better, I think. In “The Pillars of the Earth” you clearly see how the rape traumatizes the victim and shapes her life. Indeed, the whole novel is about her struggle for revenge.
That’s probably the problem in porn: The woman being raped is just some random person with no past or future, not a well-rounded novel character to emphatize with.
I think most intelligent people, both men and women, understand that rape fantasies are just like ghost stories: We love the thrill of what might hide in the dark. We certainly don’t want to be devoured by some nasty vampire for real, we just want that tingling sensation.